Liar’s Ride 2015

As with all of the previous Liar’s Rides, this year, we had to do a few tweaks of the rules in order to ensure everyone’s safety. To make sure that you are fully in compliance and understand the procedures, we are asking all of the riders to have the following guidelines tattooed on their person in a place that they can readily refer to as needed. We will leave precise locations up to the individual user.

 

1 – Every bike must be UCI compliant. There will be a UCI representative to weigh and x-ray each bike before and after the ride. This should dissuade anyone planning on mid-ride swaps. We will be swabbing all bikes and components for EPO and trace elements of powdered sugar. Anyone found holding donuts without sharing them will be docked 4 days on their time. Here is a link to all of the current UCI regulations:

http://www.uci.ch/inside-uci/rules-and-regulations/equipment-165067/

It would be unreasonable of us to require that each of the subsets, clauses and bylaws in each individual area be tattooed on each rider as well, so you may bring along a companion animal that has been suitably shaved, de-scaled or de-feathered and have the UCI rules tattooed there instead. No animals may be harmed in the process.

2 – This is a bike ride. Therefore please don’t wear bike clothes or you will be made fun of.

3 – Front tire pressure must be 12 psi. You may only ride tubulars. You are required to blather on about traction vs. friction for a minimum of 5 minutes. Rear tire pressure must be 380 psi with a maximum tire width of 14mm. You are required to site straight-line rolling resistance studies verbatim if anyone should comment on your repeated blowouts.  You are required to handle all of your own tire changes.  You will have 30 seconds per wheel.  You may bring Rae Dawn Chong along to assist you.

4 – We are going to ride south into Indiana. We are going to frequent many businesses in the state, spending millions of dollars and creating generational prosperity for every Hoosier.

5 – There will be no drinking before, during or after the ride. Of anything. This means that if you have already drunk anything at all prior to this point or from this point forward you are already in violation. Violators will be treated to a recreation of the scene in Breaking Away where Team Cinzano puts a frame pump in Dave’s front wheel. You will be Dave.

6 – We will be visiting the former Cribben and Sexton Company factory and will scavenge any remaining iron tubs we find there. Back in the day when Cribben and Sexton were still making bath tubs and enameling tubs, sinks and bathroom fixtures the average cast iron tub weighed about 400 pounds. If we don’t find any we will break into as many homes and businesses as necessary to procure a tub per rider. Be advised that if your procured tub does not weigh a minimum of 300 pounds you must gather an equitable weight in multiple tubs. You will then tote the tub(s) on the remainder of the ride. You are welcome to use any method you like to port your tub(s). All tubs must be returned at the end of the ride. (Hey….we’re not thieves or jerks here.  We’re just borrowing them.)

7 – During the ride, there will be profound and life-altering information delivered by the handsome genius tour leader. As such, there will be no talking by ride participants, except as other rules indicate it is required.

8 – During the ride, fresh off its SXSW debut we will be screening the indie film “Gabe and Bedno….a Love Story”. You may be asked to carry either the screen or projector in addition to your previously described bath tub(s).

9 – We will be joined on the ride by several luminaries including Governor Bruce Rauner, Mayor Rahm Emanuel and Presidential candidate Ted Cruz. All riders are encouraged to recreate the previously described Breaking Away scene with Rauner, Emanuel and/or Cruz in the role of Dave.

10 – Anyone found live tweeting, instagramming, facebook posting or broadcasting via GPS their location during the ride will be required to add the hashtag
#leeisahandsomegenius
to any post.

 

They predict a very nice day this Wednesday.  I am not fooled.  I personally predict -30⁰F with accompanying fire-tornados and a drenching acid rain.  Dress accordingly.

See you there.

Liar’s Ride
April Fools Day, April 1, 2015 at 7PM
In front of Ciclo Urbano/West Town Bikes at 2459 W Division*

 

*Unless Alex Wilson catches wind of any of this.

 

Finally, please note that the ride ENDS in Jefferson Park.  Make any necessary plans when considering your attendance and getting to and from the start some 8 miles away or getting your self home afterwards.